Narcissists may fight for custody, even if they don’t really want it

Divorce is rarely a smooth process, and it can become even more complicated when one of the partners displays narcissistic traits. Narcissists, known for their self-centeredness and lack of empathy, often engage in aggressive manipulation tactics.

While spouses of narcissists might already be used to their selfishness, a narcissistic spouse might still perplex them with new exhibitions of self-centeredness. Narcissists who have kids, for instance, may fight relentlessly for custody despite their apparent indifference or emotional neglect toward their children. Understanding where such behavior is rooted can help individuals who are divorcing a narcissist fight for their children.

The need for control

One of the core traits of a narcissist is their desire to maintain control over others, including their former partners. Divorce represents a significant loss of control, and a narcissist may use the custody battle as a way to reclaim dominance. By fighting for custody, they keep their ex-partner emotionally and mentally entangled, prolonging the power struggle.

Additionally, winning custody—whether partial or full— can help ensure that the narcissist continues to dictate terms post-divorce. Even if the narcissist has no intention of engaging deeply with the children, they derive satisfaction from knowing that their ex is forced to engage with them indefinitely through co-parenting.

Using the children as tools for revenge

Divorce can be a blow to the narcissist’s ego, and they often view it as a personal attack rather than a mutual decision. In retaliation, the children become collateral damage in their quest for revenge. A narcissist might fight for custody, not out of love but to punish the other parent.

By keeping custody or enforcing difficult parenting time schedules, they can hurt their ex emotionally, mentally and even financially. Even if they don’t win full custody, narcissists can use the children to sow discord. They may:

  • Interfere with parenting schedules
  • Alienate the children from the other parent
  • Make decisions that create unnecessary conflict

This behavior, often referred to as “parental alienation,” reflects the narcissist’s desire to continue inflicting pain post-divorce, with the children serving as pawns in their power game.

For narcissists, custody battles are often not about the children’s well-being but about feeding their ego and extending the power dynamics of the marriage into the post-divorce relationship. When dealing with a narcissist in a custody dispute, it’s essential to focus on creating healthy boundaries and seeking legal support to prevent children from becoming tools of manipulation in an ongoing power struggle.